Monday, 10 February 2014 0 comments

I’m not going down the spiral again!

I'll apologise just now, because this is not going to be a wholly inspiring blog post. It is instead going to be my current feelings.

I have felt so in control for so long, despite the odd moment, that I have forgotten it is possible to feel as bad as I do right now from OCD. This is not even the peak.

I have spent the last 4 or 5 days feeling that sinking and tightening feeling in my stomach from anxiety. It has been due to a number of things, but there was one specific thought, that I won’t tell you about because, despite having a blog, I’m not quite comfortable sharing all my unique quirky thoughts. Let’s just say it was in line with previous episodes.

I have gone back to the compulsions of surfing the internet for answers, trying to find something to read that will make me feel better. This is a very key sign of my OCD returning. I must find something to make the anxiety go away, whether it be medical information, or religious information.

The thoughts, the feeling and the compulsion to do something is like sitting at the top of a helter skelter with the only way down being the spiral slide. Then the force of gravity and a fear of heights combine together in such a way that you are almost incapable of stopping yourself letting go and sliding down.

I am determined that this time, no matter how bad the anxiety gets, I am not going to give in to it. I am not going to take the spiral slide into obsession and compulsion.

I feel like there is a switch in my head that can be flicked to take me from the milder anxiety I feel just now, to the fuller more intense OCD that consumes me for months at a time.

I am not flicking that switch, or letting anyone else near it!!!!

I wonder if this is following a cycle that has been established over the years, as it is roughly about every two years I have a big crash. I am right at the end of a two year period where I have been somewhat in control of my OCD.

Is part of the trigger a subconscious alarm clock going off telling me it’s time I indulge in OCD?

I am going to break the cycle.

I am going to start writing down how I feel again, acknowledging my thoughts and trying to give them some expression that is not a compulsion.

I am going to keep taking the medication.

I am going to accept how I feel rather than fight it or try to satisfy it.

I am going to keep up with my daily routine, no matter how difficult it feels every morning to get out of bed. This does include being kind to myself. I will only be doing the essentials and using the little spare time there is to live in the moment.

Sometimes the worst thing to happen is for your life to stop because of these thoughts and feelings. For me, that is when I start to feel even worse about myself. Not only am I ‘crazy’ but I’m so crazy I can’t even function. That must mean I’m useless as well. I am not the only one who suffers in these situations, so I then feel like I am hurting and harming others.

Then depression kicks in and it’s just another thing that adds to the downward forces pulling you into the spiral.

I have a great wife. I have great kids. I have a great job. I am very lucky in these things. There is no way I am going to let this stuff rob me of precious times with these people who I care for and love.

The anxiety has subsided before, and it will again. In the meantime I know it’s not going to be easy. It may last weeks or months, but there will come a time of respite. I am going to get there. I don’t want to lie in bed for a month or more, scared to move, to think and have my life put on hold for some thoughts that pass through my head.