Monday, 24 September 2012 0 comments

It's Official!

Well it’s true! I have OCD. I have been officially diagnosed as having OCD.

I had an appointment with a psychologist on Thursday, at which she confirmed my suspicions that OCD is what’s been bothering my life for the last 13 years.

My therapist is going to start CBT at our next appointment, which is two weeks away.

It was hard news to hear and for a couple of days I felt worse, but it has finally given me some confidence in accepting this diagnosis, as I was worrying about whether I was just lying to myself and OCD was an excuse for my thoughts.

As far as I’m aware it’s a common thing to experience doubt whether it is OCD or not, when you truly do have OCD.

It was funny on the morning of my appointment. I said to my wife that I was worried that I’d go to the appointment and they would say there was nothing wrong with me and I was making it all up. My wife’s reply was… between her laughter….“There is no chance they will tell you there is nothing wrong with you.”

So apparently to others it’s obvious.
Wednesday, 19 September 2012 0 comments

Assessment forms for my first Psychology appointment

So I'm going to meet with someone from the Psychology team tomorrow and was asked to complete the forms attached below. I've found it a bit difficult to fill these in. I will post the results from these tomorrow and let you know how it went.

Wednesday, 12 September 2012 0 comments


Ok it’s been just over 4 months that I have been taking Clomipramine (anafranil), Over which time the dose was increased to 150mg.

Since I have been taking Clomipramine I have been a little bit less obsessive but I still have obsessive doubts. The main difference is that I don’t panic when I have these thoughts. The anxiety is a much more dull or subtle feeling.

I still spend most of my days anxious, but I am not crippled by thoughts and emotions.

The bad thing about Clomipramine has been the side effects of sweating, tiredness (almost falling asleep at work every day), slow urination and leg and hand tremors.

While clomipramine has been helpful, and better than fluoxetine (prozac), I think that I would prefer to take escitalopram (cipralex) or try sertraline, but my doctor was not up for changing medication again, but I’ll be pushing for a change after a full examination by the psychiatric team. I’ll tell them about all the side effects I want to avoid.

In fact since I mention it, I have just received an appointment to meet with a psychiatrist on the 20th September which will be my first appointment and hopefully a start to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

There is a number of assessments I need to complete before going. I will scan them in and show you them tomorrow.
Tuesday, 4 September 2012 0 comments

Is there anybody out there?

I'm just wondering if there are people out there reading my blog, or whether the view count is just people stumbling over it.

Would you be so kind to leave a comment, anonymously if that suits you best.

I would love to hear from you.

Monday, 3 September 2012 0 comments

I feel like I'm living a lie

Finding it very difficult this morning. I feel like I’m living a lie. I feel like I’m living a fake life. Everything I do is to keep an image. I can’t stop thinking that the only reason for anything I do is because I’m trying to live a fake life that is what others want of me.

Maybe the thoughts I am calling ‘negative’ that make me anxious are real and that is the real me that is just breaking through the falseness of my life.

There seems to be no point to life, no point in trying because it’s all just fake.

I am largely struggling with religious doubts, which is very difficult as I would have said it is upon religious beliefs that I have built my life and relationships. If I am to accept the negative thoughts as real then my whole foundation in life has gone.  I then can’t see what the point would be to anything. It’s central to my understanding of myself and the world.

If this is OCD I’m finding it very diffictult as this is a subject matter that is completely subjective as not everyone believes in God or even the same religion. Therefore to everyone I meet the answer can often be ‘well walk away from your religion’,or ‘maybe your beliefs are changing over time’, but that is walking away from my whole life.

I want to believe what I have based my life on, but I can’t do it with constant anxiety and doubtful thoughts.

It’s a strange feeling to hope that it is actually OCD because it explains what I feel very well, but at the same time I struggle to believe that it is OCD and I am just perpetuating the fake life.

I wake up anxious every day, and I am so tired of trying to block or resolve this dilemma.

It won’t leave me alone.

Some things I do know, I love my family, and I want to get passed this.