Tuesday, 25 June 2013 2 comments

Putting a brave face on it

What an interesting couple of months has passed.

On the whole I have been feeling ok. Had a few rocky days here and there, and the OCD thoughts never really leave, but they have been manageable and at times forgettable.

I find myself in situations regularly where I am working, teaching a class, playing with my kids or just doing some random household chores and I get this overwhelming feeling that I'm just faking normality. I feel like I am just becoming better at putting a brave face on and that's becoming second nature.

I then can't decide if that's a good thing or not? My head descends into a bit of a muddle. Luckily the anxiety doesn't spike too much, maybe due to the medication or the techniques I try to apply to these situations, such as trying out mindfulness and focusing on something that is real and right in front of me rather than my thought.

There is an image that clearly depicts what's going on with OCD thoughts when you are trying to maintain the symptoms and get on with life, and it is this....

I teach a class at church and sometimes midway through the lesson I'm teaching my mind is off on it's own little journey. I'm not sure if it is spotted by others, I do try to keep that brave face on and the look of normality. I've had the odd comment like

"you looked a bit tired today, how you doing?"

This is really infrequent though so I think I might be getting away with it. It is difficult to put yourself out there so publicly sometimes but I'm grateful for it as it is stretching me and pushing me out of my comfort zone. Whether I do a good job or not, is another question. I get a bit paranoid about it actually. The OCD likes to tell me I'm terrible at it and the anxiety flourishes.

I've got to kick OCD's butt though. I'm not letting this beat me.

One thing I am learning is that I am just going to be myself, which I am starting to think might be a good thing.

Maybe I shouldn't be hiding it so much, maybe I should just tell everyone that I have OCD. That is a scary prospect for some reason, incase it defines me in others minds or limits the opportunities given to me because people will judge me unfit or 'mentally ill'.

I figure I am not going to hide it, nor am I going to announce it. I am not going to be afraid to discuss it if the subject arises or it feels right to be open.

Sorry I feel like this post is just me dumping thoughts on a page. I hope it has some relevance and can be relatable.