Tuesday, 23 October 2012 0 comments

Psychotherapy Appointment 2

Wow it’s been a difficult few weeks between these appointments. My medication was changed from clomipramine to Sertraline as the side effects to clomipramine were becoming too much.

This may be partially responsible for the set back I’ve felt the last couple of weeks.

I've been fighting with myself about whether this is OCD or not. How can I tell it's not my real thoughts?

I have also been struggling to do the things that my therapist asked me to do, the relaxation cd and writing down thoughts and challenging them. She says this is very common, as these are the things that are starting to challenge your mind and your current way of living, I am resisting them.

I have however been getting a bit more exercise during the day. So it’s not all negative.

This appointment we started to get down to what my thoughts are and not so much about how I feel. The plan going forward is to work through this book called

‘Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of Your OCD’

Here’s a link to the book on Amazon        Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts

Every week I am to read a chapter and complete the tasks outlined, then in future appointments we will discuss what the outcomes were.

The one interesting thing during this appointment is that I ended up getting emotional about things I didn’t even realise were upsetting to me. During my teenage years I spent almost all my time drawing and getting involved in art. For a few reasons this came to an end, one being a rejection from art school. From that time forward I kind of stopped drawing or doing anything creative.  I was almost blubbering like a baby during the appointment while discussing this time.

The other goal for me is to start doing something creative again in order to create some ‘me’ time. Especially when it seems to have been so central to my character growing up.

So my goals are to
1)      Listen to the relaxation cd
2)      Write about my intrusive thoughts (this will probably be guided by the book)
3)      Exercise
4)      Take up as a hobby creative art again
Thursday, 11 October 2012 4 comments

Why do I have OCD?

This is a tough question. As a member of the LDS church we are often led to think about the reason behind things, to look at the bigger/eternal picture.

When I try to understand why I think the way I do or have to go through so much OCD doubt I come up with a range of reasons why I might have OCD; none of which actually get me any further along the road to dealing with it.

Here’s my reasons

1)      I have OCD because I need to learn something from it.
2)      I have OCD as a punishment for things I have done wrong in the past.
3)      I have OCD as a consequence of things I have done wrong in the past.
4)      I have OCD because there is naturally a biological problem I couldn’t help.
5)      I don’t have OCD at all, but I am just trying to make my living a lie be explainable.

This is not a happy range of thoughts to go through, especially as I feel that I must find out the answer so then I can fix it.

I feel like I’m not learning anything but just hurting, so that’s reason (1) gone.

If I’m being punished, then what’s the point anymore as it’s just getting worse and I might as well stop trying to be good.

If it’s the consequences of doing stuff wrong, and not God punishing me but just letting nature run it’s course, there’s certainly no mercy being shown my way. Can I really be such a bad person that this is the consequence of sin?

If it’s a natural biological problem, why isn’t God helping me by giving me little glimmers of hope and truth to help me ride through this difficult thing?

Maybe I am just trying to find something that fits rather than actually having a problem. Maybe this is just what would excuse my bad thinking and give me a reason to blame something other than who I really am?

I wish I had someone I could really talk to about this, someone who understands. Not sure my new therapist would understand.
Friday, 5 October 2012 0 comments

Psychotherapy Appointment 1

So first of 6 -8 appointments with my psychotherapist. We meet every two weeks.

We chatted about how I felt during the day, to which my answer was anxious, shaky, jumpy, tense and tired from the constant mental battles. I was telling her it started from the moment I wake up.

Work is the hardest place for me, however I don’t know why because where I work there are great and supportive people. Maybe it’s the inner challenge for mental resources, where work requires my time and thought, but so does the OCD.

My therapist gave me a relaxation cd and has encouraged me to use it everyday and within a couple of weeks I may start feeling the good effects of that positive, relaxing action.

Secondly, I have to exercise more to burn off the excess anxious energy that I have. So when I’m at work I need to go for a walk at lunchtime. My therapist suggested jogging or running.

Thirdly, I need to write down my thoughts, especially the ones that trouble me. I have to write them down and the reasons why I have this thought or think this thing. Then I am to right down evidence that disconfirms this thought.

As you will be able to tell, if you have read my blog up until now, is that I started exercising and writing. However, I have not kept it up. I have hardly written anything for a month or more and I stopped running because I hurt my knee.

I have a book to read as well, called ‘The Imp of the mind: Exploring the silent epidemic of Obsessive bad thoughts’ by Lee Baer PhD     

I'll keep this blog updated with progress on the relaxation cd, the exercising and the writing.

In further news, I met with my doctor again and my medication was changed. I’ll leave that for my next post.